Monday, February 2, 2015

21 Problems Only People With Resting Witchface Will Understand

1. People are always asking you questions like, “Are you OK?” and “Are you having a bad day?”

Magic is a glorious gift and burden, mind your business.

2. And your friends are always assuming you’re mad at them, which is rarely the case.

Like, hello, if you were mad they’d know. You’d hex the shit out of them.

3. You’re terrible at making a warm first impression.

You’re just so used to keeping your distance from mere mortals.

4. You always end up looking really mean in photographs.

Even your baby pictures are sinister, and those were taken in the B.C. era.

5. People tell you to “smile” a lot.

And then you’re forced to kill them with a flick of your wrist because R-U-D-E.

6. People feel the need to hug you a lot, since you “look like you need it.”

Yeah, you need a hug like you need a warlock mansplaining magic to you.

7. People have a hard time being able to tell when you’re joking.

“Laugh or I’ll turn you all into rats! HAHA, I AM ONLY JOKING!!”

8. Your friends sometimes think you’re judging them super hard when you’re having a conversation.

No judgment, girl! It’s just that the end of days is nigh, so.

9. People tend to assume you’re rude, when you’re really not trying to be rude.

You’re usually just thinking about whether to use your powers for good or evil.

10. So you try to force a friendly face, which usually just ends up making things worse.


11. You have to remind yourself to smile and react when it’s socially appropriate.

Exacting revenge upon your loathsome enemies? Easy. Picking up on social cues? Nope.

12. Which is just absolutely exhausting.

Even more exhausting than trying to keep the powers of good at bay.

13. You’re always hearing, “I can never tell what you’re feeling” because your expressions are all so similar.

When you feel things, people will know. The lands will crack and the seas boil.

14. Your friends have all told you that at first they thought you were going to be so mean.

Which is super unfair, even though you were performing a satanic ritual.

15. Casual acquaintances always assume you’re plotting some kind of sinister revenge.

Which, OK, fair.

16. When people try to surprise you, they rarely get the reaction they want.

And not just because you have the Gift of Foresight.

17. Everyone thinks you’re intimidating.

Even when you’ve hidden your cauldron and various jarred appendages.

18. You’re pretty much incapable of flirting because you always come off as cold.

Also, you’ve turned all your exes into houseware, but that’s irrelevant.

19. Half of the conversations you have end in someone asking why you’re giving them “that face.”

And it’s like, “I will literally turn you into houseware.”

20. But you do have an excellent poker face.

Seriously, it saves you every game night. That, and you can read peoples’ minds.

21. And you know you’ve found a true friend when they can see what you’re feeling behind your witchface.

Until you inevitably lose them to the ravages of time, as you are immortal.